lorilately:

This is me.  I am 5’2, 265, and I have been told repeatedly that I am a terrible, unworthy person because of it.  My parents, my family, adults, kids, friends, people on the street that are just trying to ‘help’ me have all told me that I would just look so much cuter if I lost weight.  I’d be so much happier, more successful. I’d have a stable boyfriend instead of my crazy barrage of one night stands, and maybe I’d be perfect, happy, financially stable, stress free, wouldn’t have to go through the painful emotions of growing up, and most of all, I’d be the musical success I am always supposed to have been.

Well in 2008 I lost weight.  At my lowest, I’d lost 50 lbs to bona fide bulimia, 1/2 a diet, and daily exercise.  Three years of struggling to exercise and constantly beating myself up for every forkful of spicy fried tofu later, I’m back to 265 and with severe stress injuries to my back, right arm, right knee, right hand, right hip, and right shoulder.  I am currently working on it. But I am currently working on reinventing my mentality on weight and worth.

I just discovered the idea that I could be okay as I am here today, drinking a Magic Hat with my poodle Mr. Louis and playing ‘O Chanukah’ on the melodica, while enjoying the breeze from my mom’s porch swing.  Haters are absolutely right, though, I could definitely do this if I was skinny.   But, why has everyone warped the shit out of my head to think that I will enjoy life’s pleasures more as a thin, subservient, unobjectionable person?  I’m pretty content being fat and doing it.

Even though I am in pain, and I am pretty sure I have a long road of physical therapy ahead (thanks to the notion that I had to break my ass to change my appearance), I am okay as I am.  Even though there is a stigma surrounding my supposed lovability and worth, I love the person inside this body, and I am learning to love my body too.

This is okay.  I am okay.  This kind of awkward picture, is A-okay.  It’s all going to be okay.